Lorelei Greenwood

This page contains original pieces by Lorelei, and the writings of others. Included here are several versions of “You know you’re a ____ Pagan if…” joke, and many other humorous jokes and jibes.

ICH-theology

– Lorelei Greenwood –

One day while changing the water in the aquarium, I began to wonder just what my guppies thought of all this. And, as in a dream, the answer came…

The Fish believe in a Saviour of Fishkind. And though fish are many in type, they do agree that the Mighty Finned Ones are multi-scaled and can appear as any fish at any time. All of Fishkind are worthy to enter the Land of Pure Waters, from the plainest guppy to the flashiest tropical.

Their one allowed graven idol is the Divine Bubbler, the Giver of Breathable Silvery Roundish Things.

There is the dreaded but accepted Time of the Great Green Netting, which shall enter their world and remove the no-longer inhabited scales of a loved one.

Miracles also abound in FishWorld. For example, there is the odd yet fulfilling Time of New Waters where their world changes dramatically for a few moments and reverts, only now with a fresh environment which doesn’t quite so much resemble London at 5AM.

And there is the cautiously regarded Quintopus, the warm-blooded, five-scaled creature which enters their domain occasionally to re-arrange the furniture.

Fish Gods appear to have had great plans for Fishkind as was written on the Holy Clamshells of Glurb, but due to a typographical error by an overworked Hebrew transcriptionist, their Reign of Fish became a Rain of Fish. He was quite apologetic.

Their commandments change with the tides, but the main ones seem to run, uh, swim thus:

1.Thou shalt not believe the words spoken by the Philistine fish in “The Meaning of Life”.

2.Thou shalt nip the fins of the naughty ones, in Our names.

3.Thou shalt spawn only at the Appointed Times.

4.Thou shalt eat only the young of thine own issue. (Yes, fish do eat their young. They find it more sensible).

5.Thou shalt not attempt to evolve. Opposing thumbs are not all they’re cracked up to be. And Darwin was not a guppy.

6.Thou hast no need of a bicycle. Don’t ask.

7.Thou shalt not eat of the J-shaped snacks, though they tempt you

8.Thou shouldst endeavour mightily in thy goode works and Spawning efforts. (But even We think Salmon are overachievers).

9.The next fish found doing television commercials for the Superbowl is either going to have to concede to great punishment or give Us a cut of the pay. We mean it.

And most importantly…

10.Thou shalt not use the Divine Bubbler as a sexual aid.

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Nancy Drewid

– Lorelei Greenwood –

When last we met, Nancy was clutching crazily at a crumbling cliff-side, hanging on a hazardous hillside, dangling down the deadly drop-off… of indecision…

“To cast the Love Spell or not to cast the Love Spell… hmmmmm…”

Well, she certainly had time enough to make that decision. Her parents had confined her to her room for a week. for sneaking out to see the movie “The Craft.” To her strict Pagan parents, it was as much a religious outrage as “The Last Temptation of Christ” was to Christians.

“All the other kids are going to see it,” she insisted, which of course provoked the inane reply from her folks: “If all your friends went out to drink Flying Potions stark naked under the New Moon, would you?”

She was just able to stop herself from saying “Been there, done that.”

“Let’s see… red candle, check. Cinnamon, check. Ronnie’s picture, yep *sigh*. Bit of his hair, check. And a blank class schedule for next semester, check.”

Thumbing through Unca Bucky’s Big Blue Book of Chant-O-Matics, she found the chapter she needed. Taking a deep breath, she lit the candle, sprinkled the cinnamon on top, burned the hair, reconsidered and burned more cinnamon, and taking up the picture in one hand and the schedule in the other, she began to weave the spell.

“Ronnie-Ronnie-Ronnie-Ronnie, mine-mine-mine-mine, Ronnie-Ronnie-Ronnie-Ronnie, now-now-now-now. Ronnie-Ronnie…”

“What’s that smell?” cried her mother, bursting into the darkened bedroom. “What are you doing in here?”

Nancy hid the picture and schedule behind her in a flash.

“Prosperity spell.”

Her mother smiled indulgently. “Green candle, honey.” And left.

Slumping in relief, Nancy tried to recapture the moment. But alas, it was lost.

“Just as well,” she thought. “That was not a world-winning chant anyway.” She flipped through the book some more. “Hmm, let’s try this one. Ronnie, Ronnie, come to me. Be my snuggly fantasy. Arms and hair and eyes I see. Ronnie, Ronnie, come to me!”

She barely heard the phone ring five minutes later.

“Naaaaaaaan,” her little brother Bobby called through the closed door. “Phone. Some guy.”

Nancy’s eyes popped open. Wow! What fast results!

“Gotta remember to give a call to Llewellyn Publishers tomorrow!”

She raced out of her room to the kitchen and grabbed the phone. Taking a deep breath, she answered in the most sultry voice her 16-year-old throat could manage.

“Hello, darling,” she rasped, eyes at half-mast. “I’ve been waiting for your call. You must know how much I want to hear from you.”

“I’m glad to hear you, too. I’ve been thinking… well, you know the Homecoming Dance next Friday night? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to be my date. I’d be picking you up at 7:30.”

She held the phone to her rapidly-beating heart for a moment, sending a silent prayer of thanks to her deity. “Why of course I will! I’d love to go. I can just see you now in your swell suit, driving your bright Ford to the school, us making such an entrance…”

“Uh, Nancy, I don’t have a car.”

Her hand flew to her mouth in fear. “Oh dear! Ronnie, what happened to it?”

“Ronnie? Who’s Ronnie? This is Mert. But anyway, my Mom and Dad and I will be over to pick you up at 7:30, so don’t be late, Mom hates waiting. Well, see you Friday.”

And he hung up.

Nancy gasped in shock. No! Not Mert! Not Mert Lingerman! Mert Lingerman was the nerdiest boy in all of Smithdale! And she’d just agreed to accompany him to the swankiest event of the school year!

What was she to do?!

Will Nancy stand him up? Or if she goes to the dance with Mert, will she be able to face life at school unscathed? Should she pretend to contract a fatal disease Friday afternoon? And will that doggone burning hair smell ever come out of the drapes? Join us next time and find out!

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Animal Gods

– Lorelei Greenwood and others –

Frogs are naturally Pagan. They are born into Water, evolve onto Earth, leap into the Air, and subsequently land in Fire as the Daily Special at some bar and grill in Louisiana. A recent addition to their commandments: “Thou shalt not appear in any more beer commercial ads without giving us a cut. We’re serious.”

Birds, though horribly defamed on film by a certain English author, are quite Pagan. They represent the element of Air, and are often sacrificed to Bast.

Cats pay homage to many Gods: Bast, Sekmet, Sheba, Purina, and Narcissus to name a few.

Horses have played an important role in Pagan mythology and have enjoyed their royal status for eons. Many Sun Gods are said to ride fiery, horse-driven chariots across the sky. There was, however, a great upheaval in Horse Valhalla when the Ford Motor Company created the Mustang and the Pinto.

Any Fantasy animal (unicorns, dragons, good men) must be Zen. Nuff said.

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Religious Mal-practice Insurance

– Lorelei Greenwood –

Are you tired of the paperwork involved in insurance claims? Sick of being sued for defective spells?

Well here’s your answer! The office of Dewey Cheedem & Howe has worked diligently to form the first Religious Mal-Practice Insurance company. No more long insurance forms to fill out – we’ll do it for you! All it takes is a one-time visit for informational paperwork and disclaimer forms, and you’re set.

1-800-Dial-A-Witch, this is for you! New-age snake-oil salesmen, stop on by! If you’re within the sight of our ad, you too can have the protection that dozens of charlatans just like yourself have already (of course) taken advantage of.

Read what one satisfied customer has to say. “I was truly at the end of my rope. Every day, calls about this spell not working or ‘He gave the love potion to my dog, and now my leg is bruised.’ I never before believed that it could be so easy. Thank you, Dewey Cheedem & Howe!” (This is not a paid actor).

At Dewey Cheedem & Howe, we’re working – for you!

A privately owned corporation. Rev’s Bakker, Roberts, and Falwell, please stop calling. We remain firm – we will not represent you.

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Coffee as a Religious Experience

– Lorelei Greenwood –

As my sleepy body stumbles out of bed, the only thought in my mind is the Blessed Beverage and the Ritual of Awakening.

To the Sacred Place of Creation I go, eyes half mast, brain not even that far. I get my working tools from their familiar places (nope, darnit, milk in the fridge, sugar on the table…) and kneel before the Holy Awakener.

“Greetings of the day, most revered of machines,” I say (in spirit if not in letter).

Offering up the elements of Earth and Water, I push the Sacred Button of Fire, and wait, slumped against the counter, letting the element of Air carry the first strains of promise.

“Hail to the four mighty Elements.” Or something like that.

As I can no longer hear the element of Water, I take up the consecrated Chalice and the great Vessel of Caffeinated Beverages. Through the graces of some God or another, I make a meeting of the two.

In a disheveled procession to the Sacred Circle (the table), a few drops are spilled in homage to Mother Earth. I arrive at the Circle, take my seat, mumble another garbled blessing, and lift the Divine Drinking Dish to my lips.

And *BANG POW ZIP!!* I am drawn forth from the realm of the half-dead to the Blessed Land of the Coherent by a thundering Chariot of Caffeine drawn by the mighty steeds Hazelnut and Greenmountain, proving once again that Coffee IS a religious experience!

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Pagans and Politics

When Politically Correct gets out of hand Old, outmoded, politically incorrect (read: unsafe) conversation:

“Hi.”

“Hey!”

“How are you?”

“Oh, not bad.”

“Cool.”

Socially, politically correct future conversation as regulated by the Moral Minority and other socio-political benches:

“I extend my greetings, yet know you are under no obligation to accept them.”

“They are received, and I return my own greetings, if you are so inclined to accept them.”

“Accepted. I inquire as to your health, should you wish to impart such information.”

“My thanks, should you desire it. My health is… adequate.”

“If your adequate health is acceptable to yourself, then I am glad for you and extend to you my happiness upon hearing such news. But should your adequate health be still lacking in your opinion, then I offer my regret, should you wish to accept it.”

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If Bill Gates wrote a book on Wicca…. Author unknown, don’t blame me

The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.

Iconology was be a major chapter.

A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magic would no longer work.

Your broom would crash at least once a week.

Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.

A book of shadows would be called the folder of magic.

A free high speed connection spell would come with every book.

Every now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.

If you used the more powerful MagicNT rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.

At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your folder of magic.

You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle. (and cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so).

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You Might Be a Pagan If…

…someone asks for change for a dollar, and you call quarters.

…you’re on Pat Robertson’s “worry list”.

…you’re 20 minutes late… for everything.

…you boast about the size of your athame.

…you get sunburned in “odd” places.

…you can’t keep your phone bill paid, but you own every Llewellyn book in print.

…you can pronounce “athame” and generally correct those who can’t.

…you’re giving directions, and you say, “Turn widdershins onto Marginal Way…”

…you accidentally endorse your check with your Craft name.

…your kids and pets are all named after stones, herbs, elements, or deities.

…a cop searches your vehicle and you have to talk him out of busting you for possession of mugwort.

…you call 1-900 psychic lines and do a reading for them!

…you’re going hungry, but dammit, you’ve got the finest crystal ball in town.

…you have a kitchen cupboard designated just for candles.

…you accidentally refer to the basketball team as the Boston “Keltics.”

…you drop something on your foot and scream, “Oh Goddessdammit!”

…during an orgasm, you start to do a Goddess chant.

…you still can’t decide which shade of black is “your colour”.

…you make money the old fashioned way – a green candle, some bayberry oil…

…you read Starhawk for entertainment.

…you read Buckland for laughs.

…your idea of a beach book is Drawing Down the Moon.

…you play “Go Fish” with Tarot cards.

…you bought a Dodge because the emblem looks like a pentacle.

…you thought The Wicker Man was a documentary.

…you knew The Craft was not.

…you do your Christmas shopping in Salem.

…you celebrate the New Year at Halloween.

…you can tell when the moon is full without looking.

…your pharmacopoeia resembles the Frugal Gourmet’s spice rack.

…your idea of a pick-up line is, “Hey, nice Athame.”

…there is an over-abundance of ravens around your home.

…you can walk through the woods and resemble a Disney movie.

…dancing, chanting, and drumming in the woods doesn’t sound strange to you.

…dancing, chanting, and drumming in the woods is, in fact, something you regularly do..

…you have to bite your tongue when someone says, “Hey, you only go around once!”

…your grade-schooler is sent home for fighting… about theology.

…your idea of fun is telling some poor schmuck all about his rune pendant when he honestly has no idea. (“Uh, my girlfriend gave it to me. I just wear it to be nice. Yeah”).

…you’re sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire.

…you’ve been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they’re saying.

…when asked if you believe in God, you ask, “Which one?”

…you know what “widdershins” means.

…you have an entire spice cabinet and you don’t cook.

…you know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.

…you have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you.

…you think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.

…you know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You’ve caused them.

…the first thing your guests say is, “My, that’s a nice…altar…you have there.”

…on Halloween, you yell “Happy New Year!” at passers-by.

…you know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That’s why you bought one.

…you have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.

…you commit blasphemy in the plural.

…upon dying, your first thought is, “Darn it, not AGAIN.”

…when you say “Mother Nature,” you don’t mean it in an anthropomorphic way.

…you know that Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.

…you think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such.

…in Religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn’t cover YOUR gods.

…you know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference.

…you’ve spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.

…you talk to trees. They talk back.

…you know dragons and fae exist. You’ve seen them.

…you’ve seen “The Craft.” You know where they were making stuff up in “The Craft.” You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in “The Craft.”

…you understand the symbolism behind a maypole.

…you’ve ever ended a phone call with “so mote it be.”

…your children go around telling people that “the Goddess loves you.”

…you find a cat hair in your pot luck plate, but instead of freaking you simply smile, secure in the knowledge that it was home-made..

…you’re reading this page. You understand what it’s talking about. You have more to add.

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You Might be a Redneck Pagan If..

…your picture of the Goddess is Miss September.

…your anointing oil is Old Spice, or has a weight of W40.

…your totem includes the Budweiser Frog.

…you have already caught, fried, and eaten said totem animal.

…your Altar consists of a milk crate and a stop sign.

…your decorative Pentacle is a Chrysler hubcap.

…your robe says “Idaho Potatoes” on the back.

…you reach the Third Degree… but not the third grade.

…you use your cauldron as a spittoon (or vice versa).

…you think a Coven is something to put over your pickup.

…your incense says Marlboro on the side.

…you chose your HPS because of her bust measurement.

…your HP and HPS are wearing coveralls.

…your altar cloth says “Holiday Inn”.

…your God statue is a porcelain statue of Elvis.

…your Athame is a Swiss Army Knife, a chainsaw, or doubles as nail clippers.

…your coven forgoes the ritual bath because no one can decide where else to put the transmission.

…your Altar is an Engine Block.

…your idea of Skyclad is getting drunk, naked, painting yourself blue, and running through town.

…the Sacred wine is Ripple, Thunderbird, Nighttrain, or Lancers.

…any ritual ends with the phrase “Y’all know what I’m talkin ’bout here?”

…your Goddess is missing teeth.

…your magick wand is an old Chevy oil dip-stick.

…when your HPS is drawing down you think, “Nice butt.”

…you mow your lawn for Ritual and you find four automobiles.

…your Rituals are not “Skyclad” but “in the Buff”.

…you choose your HPS at a wet-tee-shirt contest, and your HP at a belching contest.

…you think “drawing down the moon” involves dropping your drawers at a monster truck rally.

…your ritual wand has a nice walnut stock.

…your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top.

…you think a “family tradition” is a dating club.

…your idea of ritual includes, “Moo?” *tip* THUD!

…your ceremonial chalice says “Budweiser” on it.

…chewing-tobacco is considered a sacred herb.

…your circle dance includes the words “dosey-do”.

…you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.

…you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny’s menu,

…you have ever canceled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.

…your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold “Bud”.

…your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it.

…your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number.

…your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500.

…your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says “Chevrolet” on it.

…your Sabbat Queen’s head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket.

…you chose “Jim Bob” or “Stormin Normin” as a magickal name.

…you think charging is done with a Master Card.

…your Balefire says “Coleman” on it.

…your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks.

…your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling.

…your coven’s guided meditations start out with a burger at “Hooter’s”

…you think a “Gerald Gardner” is farm equipment.

…you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.

…you have ever worked love magick on livestock…AND FAILED….

…your covenstead says “Winnebago” on the side, you’re NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead’s up on blocks…well…

…your chalice gets crushed and recycled after the ritual.

…you use chains for knot spells!

…your cauldron says “Weber” on the side.

…all your tools are either Black and Decker or Craftsman.

…your ritual robe says “Motel 6” on the back.

…you have to climb under the altar to change the oil.

…your mabon feasts include opossum.

…your ritual jewelry is made from pop tops.

…your altar table is the tailgate.

…you think your coven is the Grange!

…your name is Silver-bob.

…your idea of a power spot has a V-8.

…your “aura” is beer breath.

…your power stone is gravel.

…your idea of a salute to the elements of Air & Fire is lighting a fart.

…you thought up five more ideas for this list while reading it!

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You Know You’re Not a City Pagan If…

…your table of correspondences lists Citronella Yellow as the color for all four quarters.

…you actually know what kind of wood your staff is made of, and where it grew.

…you can actually see the northern star from your ritual circle, instead of figuring out directions from a metro area map.

…your Goddess wields a real scythe at Lammas, and has room to swing it without removing a human limb.

…you think of crystals as something that comes from a cave, not a vial.

…grounding means touching it, not imagining it…

…you’ve never ever used a plastic flower in circle.

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You Might Be a Yuppie Pagan If…

…your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven and gatherings.

…your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.

…you purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.

…you use an alphanumeric pager in circle to represent Air.

…you try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.

…you worry that you don’t have a robe that goes well with bare feet.

…jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.

…Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.

…you initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.

…you never do a healing ritual for your car.

…perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and conditions.

…you have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.

…your first degree initiation had valet parking.

…spilled wax really matters to you.

…you have a Ginsu athame.

…cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.

…your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.

…you don’t do astral projection, frequent flyer miles are so much easier.

…the gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple than you do.

…your familiar is rented.

…you are offended by the “We are the old people…” chant ever since the facelift.

…five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.

…you had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.

…you would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.

…you wouldn’t use a script in ritual, that’s what the laptop computer on the altar is for.

…if “In the cool of the evening, we used to gather…” makes you think of getting in a late 18 holes.

…your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.

…you wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.

…after casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.

…you have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.

…the square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.

…your covenstead has gone condo.

…you seldom are asked to call North since everyone knows you just don’t do dirt.

…the ritual wine is more European than your tradition.

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You Might Be a Techie Pagan If…

(wow, some of these are really old)

…you have a Disk of Shadows.

…the gods and goddesses communicate with you by e-mail.

…your ritual bonfire has an extension cord.

…the address of your convenstead begins with “http://”…

…erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.

… you invite the God and Goddess to come online.

…you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell.

…you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with “Blessed Be” or B*B.

…you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).

…you draw down the moon using a light-pen.

…you end a circle with Ctrl-Alt-Del.

…ou have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.

…you don’t call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.

…you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).

…your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).

…drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).

…passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.

…you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows ’95.

…you do cord magick with ethernet.

…while on Internet Relay Chat, you have ever tried to discourage netsplit or lag with visualization… and had it WORK.

…you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.

…you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.

…you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.

…you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape.

…your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.

…your OBE’s begin with a netsplit.

…your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.

…your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.

…you ritually down your server for Samhain.

… your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.

…your altar cloth is a mouse pad.

…your altar has a keyboard.

…your athame has a SCSI interface.

…your candles have batteries.

…your cauldron is a crock-pot.

…your chimes are electronic.

…your circle is a token ring.

…your cone of power has a surge suppressor.

…your coven is spread over a 12,000 square mile area.

…your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.

…your daemons collect news for you.

…your deities include Murphy and Gates.

…your familiar is a computer mouse.

…your herbs are always mail-ordered or ordered by e-shopping.

…your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby ….

…your incense is by Glade.

…your magic wand is a light pen.

…your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same.

…your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.

…your patron deity has a homepage.

…your pentacle is made of computer chips.

…your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.

…your search for truth involves regular expressions.

…your tarot cards multi-task.

…your technician compains about the wax and incense ash on your motherboard.

…instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.

…when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.

…you call your corners on a cellular phone..

…you’ve had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.

…you charge your ritual tools – with a Visa..

…you use a remote control in place of an athame..

…you download your book of shadows..

…you cast your circle in a chat room..

…your familiar is a mouse..

…you attend ritual skyclad because it’s too much trouble to get dressed for a computer..

…your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.

…you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.

…your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.

…your candles have batteries.

…casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).

…your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.

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You Might Be an Inner City Pagan If…

…your Ritual Wand is made by The Club.

…casting a protective Circle includes calling on the patron deities of Smith & Wesson.

…your Quarter guardians are wearing their “colors.”

…traffic jams are a common excuse for being late to Circle.

…you refer to your HP and HPS as “Home-Boy” and “Ms. Thang.”

…the Charge of the Goddess is done in rap.

…witch wars involve drive-by hexings.

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You Might Be an Aging Pagan If…

… you start to notice that Abby Spinner has nice posture.

… you like the Maypole Ritual because of the nice colored ribbons.

… paying extra for heated space starts to sound appropriate.

-when you seriously want to shake the next newbie who asks for a “kewl” love spell.

– when you lose track of when the full moon is, cause your period *isnt* due then, or any *other* time….

– when you decide that making your own candles is all well and good, but the energy expended making them, to say nothing of the time you *dont* have, hardly makes them worth the effort.

… it takes both KY and Ben Gay to get through the Great Rite.

..the symbolic Great Rite is enough.

…Circle gets raised more than you do.

..you have cookware older than some of your Circle members.

..you can’t meditate anymore because everyone keeps thinking you’re dead.

…your ritual robe involves wool and a turtleneck… all year through.

…support hose becomes a part of Ritual garb.

…you’re heard asking, “Silver who?”

…the size of your Athame really doesn’t matter anymore.

…you arrive for Ritual ON TIME.

…you’re not sure which are hot flashes and which are God Experiences.

..the Ritual mead makes your denture adhesive dissolve.

…Cakes and Ale becomes Prune Juice and Bran Muffins.

..your original Craft books are no longer in print.

…you consider speaking with a NewAger to be an Out-of-Body experience.

…. you refer to Alistair Crowley or Sybil Leek as “that whipper-snapper”

… you say things to new coven members beginning with “In my day…”

… you have ever lost your dentures in the scrying bowl.

…. the Ten Commandments seem like “New Age Drivel” to you.

… the Crone looks like your sister or your wife or your girlfriend.

…the Crone IS your sister or your wife or your girlfriend.

… you consecrated your cane so you could use it to cast the Circle.

… your housepets are older than some of your coven members.

…. you are conducting a past life regression and a new coven member was your mother in her last life.

… your magickal name is in Old English because that is your native tongue.

… you were there when your current High Priestess was born.

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You might Be a Military Pagan If…

…you use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles.

…your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.

…your robe is made of camouflage material.

…your cakes & wine come from MRE’s

…your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques.

…your circle is marked by barb-wire.

…you have to ride an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead.

…you use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol

…you take down a tent to move the Covenstead.

…your familiar is either a Doberman, Rotweiller or German Shepherd.

…you use a hubcap for a scrying dish.

…you use teargas to smudge when doing banishings.

…your goddess symbol is Tank Girl

…1st degree training includes Ninjitsu or other forms of martial arts.

…your circle name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Hawkeye, Bubba, or anything that ends with ‘ster’.

…you use machine gun fire to cast your circle.

…instead of using an acorn or pine cone, you use a hand grenade for a God symbol (if there isn’t an artillery shell available).

…you use a compass for a divination tool.

…you use a bullet on a string for a pendulum.

…you call your High Priest “Commander”, and your High Priestess as “General” or “Bitch Queen”.

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You Might Be a Deaf Pagan If…

(Submitted by a Deaf Pagan, member of the Deaf Pagan Group)

…you have ever had to go to a speech therapist just to learn how to pronounce your Goddesses, Gods, or Sabbats.

…at a Spiritual Gathering you are being introduced to someone and your interpreter turns to the individual and says “Can you tell me how you spell that??”

…the statue of the Goddess that sits on your altar wears hearing aids.

…you’ve ever stayed up all night with friends discussing various ways to sign “witch.”

…while invoking the elements in ASL, you’ve accidentally cut yourself with your athame. (I recommend using your wand instead.)

…you’ve ever gotten tendonitis from trying to fingerspell the Goddess chant over and over and over.

…you’ve ever had to explain “skyclad” (as in the possibility that some folks might be) to your local interpreter coordinating services for an upcoming gathering.

…you’ve ever requested that participants shine a flashlight up in their faces while performing an outdoor evening ritual.

…your best friend is the only woman at the ritual wearing a top, because you need a dark background to see her hands for signing.

…you can cast a circle, call the elements, invoke the deities, raise energy, work magic and cast a spell without saying a word, and feel afterwards the beauty, power, healing, and wisdom of the Old Ones, then by golly you could be a Deaf Pagan

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You Know Your Coven is Getting Old When…

…the ritual feast is pureed.

…last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.

…the last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.

…Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.

…the maiden of the coven is a grandmother.

…the ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.

…the coveners drive their RV’s to Scottsdale for Mabon.

…when you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.

…it takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.

…the high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.

…you find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.

…you tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.

…you drop your teeth in the ritual cup.

…at Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.

…you put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.

…you hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.

…you use Glenn Miller records for trance music.

…all of your ritual robes are tie-dyed

…your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.

…a nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.

…no one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.

…when the coven sings, “Creak and groan, creak and groan . . .”

…when you set comfy chairs around the circle.

…when you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.

…you do anointings with Aspercreme.

…the oak tree your coven planted died of old age.

…you use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.

…you don’t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.

…you use a walker during the Wild Hunt

…you prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.

…you need a flashlight to find the candles.

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That Age-Old Question — Magic or Magick?

If we’re a-gonna get into the interesting and unique spellings of such a word, let’s put the ole noggin to work in the Ham On Wry department…..

Magic – stage sleight-of-hand, and Pagan workings of will and spellcraft

Magick – alternate spelling of above, also used to differentiate between stage and “real” magics and/or sex magics.

Mahjique – for those who perform magic workings with Mahjong tiles.

Marge-ic – Simpson spell-workings.

MA-gic – those whose spell workings are often interrupted by the calls of children.

Magicaboom – either magic workings with pizzaz, or workings with incendiaries… ain’t figured this one out yet….

Magchic – Gucci robes and a wine more European than your tradition required.

MagICK! – when a slug slides into your sandal during the casting of a woodland Circle after a rain.

ma-GI-c – military or martial-art-clad workings.

Mmmmmmmmmmagic – spellwork involving chocolate (or other favorite nom)

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A brief blurb from the Ham On Wry Department about….. showering together. (By Lorelei Greenwood)

You know you are getting old when taking a shower with your mate goes from romantic to ridiculous. Now I KNOW I’m old beacuse whoever thought that showering together was a good idea is a finer form of sado-masochist as I have ever witnessed. Sure, when you’re 20, all the slippery squiggling and such are all in good fun, but when you’ve hit your mid-30’s or beyond, it’s a life-and-death struggle to reach the soap. Shower snuggles and sliding past each other to reach the stream has become the ye-gods-there’s-soap-in-my-eyes dance and the Stoned Walrus Wiggle. This is particularly perilous when your mate and you have a 12-inch height difference. I’m not even going into girth. As far as passing one another in the tub, what used to present a romantic opportunity now results in more shower-curtain replacement expenses than I wish to recall. And there’s nothing graceful about attempting to exit the shower cleanly when your mate is still sudsy. Washing each other’s hair was cute and sexy until your employer begins random drug testing due to your red rimmed Irish Spring eyes. Maybe you’ve installed a room-sized bathtub, or perhaps you’re one of those lucky people who are “in shape,” but I’ll wrest my sanity back from the jaws of the tub drain and leave the shared showers for the under-20’s.

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Now onto another favorite topic from the Ham On Wry Department… Sex.

And just for fun, let’s mix in that ole favorite topic of Karma.

Kama Sutra is “the joy of sex” but my warped brain came up with the following.

The Laws of KARMA SUTRA

If Karma is a reward-and-punishment system, and Sutra is sex……

— The sex you give will come back to you threefold

— If you send forth intentional harm during sex, you will be celibate for three years

— What you get in sex you deserve

— If you lie during sex, she will tell all her friends the truth about your penis

— If you fake it during sex, he will tell all his buddies he’s getting TONS of sex and that report will get back to your mother

— If you lie about the sex you’re getting (when you’re not getting any) you will not have a date for as many weeks as three times the number of guys to whom you bragged

— If you practise safe sex, you will live as many extra years as three times the number of condoms you use.

— What goes around comes around, especially if you’re not using a condom

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Toys and Religion

Capitalism – He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna – He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism – He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican – They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox – No, they were OURS first.

Atheism – There is no toy maker.

Polytheism – There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism – The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ Scientist – We are the toys.

Communism – Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling yours.

Baha’i – All toys came from the same toy maker.

Amish – Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism – The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism – Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo – Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Hinduism – He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist – He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Southern Baptist – If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to Hell.

Jehovah’s Witness – He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostal – He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism – Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism – Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Non-Denominationalism – We don’t care where the toys came from; let’s just play with them.

Agnosticism – It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.

Unitarian Universalism – We still haven’t decided if the toys exist.

Eclectic Paganism – Mix up all the toys, play with them all, and choose your favorites.

Solitarianism – Which toy do I play with first? I want someone to share my toys, but just for a while.

Satanism – Tie the toys upside-down and burn black candles in front of them. Chant Old MacDonald’s E I E I O backwards. Watch the toys melt.

Odinism – He who dies while playing with war-toys, wins.

Feminist Wicca – The Doll came before tonka trucks, but they are equal; myn deserve toys too.

Gothism – This toy isn’t sharp enough to go through.

Libertarianism – You can’t make me collect toys, nor can you regulate Parker Brothers.

Spud Wicca – Mr. Potato-head is the coolest toy.

Born Again Christians: There is only ONE true toy, and all other toys are against the Word of the Toymaker.

Celtic Reconstrustionism – Approximate replicas of the toy are not good enough.

Alexandrianism – My grandmother taught me how to play with this toy when I was eight, so I won’t ask you to show me again.

Gnostic Paganism – Whatever toy works for you.

Egyptianism – You only win if you take enough toys with you.

Pantheism – The universe is a great ineffable toy, which we can only begin to see by playing with small toys that we can understand.

Feng Shuism- Don’t move that toy!!!

Witta – Switch the stickers on an existing toy, and sell books about the ‘new’ toy.

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As we all know, WWJD? is “What Would Jesus Do?” Now we have…

WWAD? A= Artemis- Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking poodle.

WWAD? A= Athena- Stare him down (Then beat the crap out of them… in a logical manner.)

WWAD? A= Adonis- Take them boar hunting.

WWAD? A= Anubis- Give them a fine funeral.

WWAD? A= Apollo- Test their musical skills… in a fair contest.

WWAD? A= Aphrodite- Don’t you mean “Who” would Aphrodite do?

WWAD? A= Attis- First off… his voice would get REAL HIGH!…

WWAD? A= Astarte- Make love AND war.

WWAD? A= Aequitas- Give them a fair deal.

WWAD? A= Angerona (Goddess of secrecy)-Not gonna tell ya!

WWBD? B= Baal- Shine some light on it.

WWBD? B= Bacchus- Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.

WWBD? B= Boreas- Blow them out of the water.

WWBD? B= Britannia- Rule!

WWBD? B= Buddha- Does it matter? If you are enlightened it does not. If you are not enlightened it still doesn’t matter.

WWCD? C= Ceres- Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.

WWCD? C= Ceridwen- Stir it up one more time.

WWCD? C= Chaos- No one is quite sure… but it will be messy and interesting.

WWCD? C= Cthulhu- Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.

WWDD? D= Demeter- Lay waste to your lands if you don’t have her daughter back by 10 p.m.! (And DON’T lay a hand on her!)

WWDD? D= Discordia- Here… have an apple…IF you are the fairest!

WWED? E= Epona- Give them a good tip on a fast horse in the sixth.

WWED? E= Ereskigal- Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.

WWTED? TE= The Elueusinians- It’s a mystery!

WWFD? F= Flora- Say it with flowers.

WWFD? F= Fortuna- Play the lottery.

WWFD? F= Fides- Keep good faith.

WWGD? G= Gaia- Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.

WWHD? H= Hades- Tell them to go to Hell.

WWHD? H= Hecate- Show them the right path… or is it the left?

WWHD? H= Hera- She’d get jealous.

WWHD? H= Hercules- He’d labor to come up with an answer.

WWHD? H= Hermes- Tell them to get the message or take a hike.

WWHD? H= Herne- Lead them on a Wild Hunt!

WWID? I= Iris- Paint them a rainbow to send the message.

WWID? I= Isis- Find every part of them after they are torn apart.

WWJD? J= Janus- Look the other way.

WWJD? J= Juno- Make sure they marry well.

WWJD? J= Jupiter- Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.

WWKD? K= Kali- Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood and dance on their trembling corpse. Then wear parts as jewelry.

WWKD? K= Klotho- Wind it up.

WWKD? K= Kwan Yin- Show them some mercy.

WWLD? L= Loki- Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, “borrow” some jewelry, change into a seal and steal some apples. For starters.

WWLD? L= Luna- Moon them!

WWMD? M= Mithras- Cut the bull!

WWMD? M= Mars- Suit up for battle.

WWMD? M= Mercury- Change his mind… again.

WWND? N= Narcissus- Huh? Is there someone else here?

WWND? N= Neptune- Ride the ninth wave.

WWND? N= Nemesis- Get “furious”.

WWND? N= Nike- Be victorious.

WWND? N= Nyx- “Good Night!”

WWOD? O= Osiris- Cut to the “bone”.

WWOD? O= Odin- Hang on a tree for nine days until you start seeing things.

WWOD? O= Orpheus- Sing the blues.

WWPD? P= Pan- Tell them to pipe down or F_ck off.

WWPD? P= Pax- Tell them “peace.”

WWPD? P= Persephone- Just take a little bite, it won’t be that bad.

WWPD? P= Poseidon- Have an adventure… but there has to be a morning after.

WWPD? P= Prometheus- Give it some thought first.

WWSD? S= Set- You don’t want to know but it won’t be nice.

WWSD? S= Shiva- Start all over again.

WWTD? T= Themis- Put on a blindfold before she decides.

WWTD? T= Thor- Hammer it out.

WWVD? V= Vesta- Keep the home fires burning.

WWVD? V= Vulcan- Live long and prosper. (Hey, this took a while! I was just checking to see if you got this far. After all, I suffered for this, now it’s your turn!)

WWYD? Y= Yahweh- “I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!

WWZD? Z= Zeus- By Jove, he’d flirt with the girls!

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A Clash of Groups

Seems there was a group of Ku Klux Klansmen in Texas who heard that some Pagans were holding a ritual out in the woods somewhere. Having run out of other minorities to harass, they decided to get back to their roots and practice some religious bigotry in addition to the usual racial intolerance and break up the party with a good ol’ cross-burning. [Note: in recent years, the Klan has tried to distance itself from its history of religious intolerance and claim that the organization’s only concerns are racial. This is, of course, utter crap as the anti-Semitism of the Klan is well documented, as is their history of anti-Catholic violence in the early part of this century]

So anyway, these fellows loaded up some lumber and a couple of cans of gasoline and went out hunting for these Pagans they’d heard about, hoping to catch them dancing nekkid around a fire or something. They found the spot where the other vehicles were parked and donned their hoods. Grabbing the lumber and gasoline, they assembled a cross and strode off into the woods, confident that they’d scare any remaining pants off the fluffybunny Pagans.

They were a little disconcerted to find themselves looking at the business end of at least 2 spears, a couple of swords, assorted knives, and more than one firearm. They’d crashed an Asatru blot, and didn’t realize that not all Pagans are pacifists. From somewhere behind the hardware, a voice called out “If that cross goes up, you’re getting nailed to it. I’ve got my hammer right here…”

The Klansmen left in a bit of a hurry, it’s said.

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IDEAS FOR A POSSIBLE “PAGAN OLYMPICS”

Sabbat Slalom – Each contestant drinks three quarts of wine in a smoke-filled room, then weaves through a course marked by lounging Pagans to reach the bathroom.

High Chant – Participants attempt to chant in tune with a High Priestess, who has pitched the sound too high for any ordinary man or adult woman to emulate. The event is closed to eunuchs and children.

Altar Cloth Toss – When cloths are ignited by a bumped candle, competitors must snatch them up, run up two flights of stairs, open a locked kitchen door and cast the cloth into a backyard. This is a relay event.

Maypole Erection – Teams of male athletes encircle Maypoles lying on the ground. At the starting gun, they must simultaneously meditate on Aphrodite and achieve erection without use of hands or other external aids.

Jewelry Walk – Wearing all the ritual necklaces, rings, bracelets, tiaras, amulets, talismans, torques, garters, brooches, and dream bags they own, contestants must walk 10 feet without toppling. Physician’s certification of fitness required.

Great Rite Marathon – In a freshly plowed and sown field, teams perform the Rite until the first sprouts appear, achieving orgasm at that precise moment.

Bag Drag – Contestants must carefully round up all of their horrible life experiences and compete to see who can drag the most personal baggage into circle. Bonus points awarded for absorbing all the circle’s energy without reducing the other participants to tears. The use of eighteen wheelers and/or one’s children as porters is strictly prohibited. All baggage must be personally carried by the contestant.

Divination Match-Up – Each contestant is given a list of 10 Pagan volunteers and 20 possible futures. They have 5 minutes to match the correct destiny with the correct Pagan. Points are awarded for speed and accuracy. Contestants are not allowed to touch or fondle the volunteers to “get a better reading”.

Prophethon – Each contestant attempts to achieve a trance-like state and prophecy as long as possible, without throwing up and/or passing out. No bonus points will be awarded for speaking in tongues. All predictions made during the event will have to take place in the immediate future in order to avoid delays in processing event scores.

Guided Hallucination – After having consumed a large quantity of hallucinogens, participants must attempt to follow a very complex guided meditation while refraining from getting lost within their own heads. Points are automatically deducted from any contestants who attempt to claw their own faces off.

Priest/ess Pout – As the signal is given, coven members encircle their respective high priest/ess and attempt to soothe his/her bruised ego in the least possible time. This is a team event, as it is doubtful that any single coven member could complete this event without assistance. Individuals who wish to compete as a “team of one” are required to have their own emergency back-up personnel on hand.

Circle Cast-Off – After drinking a horn of mead, and spinning in place for 5 minutes, contestants attempt to cast a reasonably round circle without holding on to quarter altars as they pass by.

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The Eve of Midwinter

Author Unknown

‘Twas the eve of midwinter, and all through the coven

The witches were cooking strange things in the oven.

There were mugwort frittatas and dragon’s-blood stew

And mescaline eggnog and mandrake fondue.

There were hot mountain oysters and road-kill pate’

And spotted-owl kidneys, and wombat flambe’.

The Circle was cast and the herbs had been smoked

In hopes that the Goddess would soon be invoked.

When out by the hot tub arose such a clatter

I jumped on my broom to see what was the matter.

And what should I see in the blackberry thorns

But a soaking wet Goddess and eight unicorns!

“I was just getting down with my vibrating phallus

And a good book,” she said. “Christ, you bitches are callous!

I came when you called, over all my objections,

And got lost in the woods — you give lousy directions.

You turkeys invoked me, now look at my dress.

My period’s late and I’ve got PMS.”

She cursed and she muttered, she looked like a wreck;

The unicorns whimpered and shat on the deck.

We gave her some weed and we got her some grub;

We brought her clean towels and she soaked in the tub.

The she rose, hot and dripping, and gave us her blessing

And jumped in her chariot, without even dressing!

“On Isis! On Eris! Oya and Astarte!

On Ishtar! Inanna! Kali and Hecate!”

We heard her exclaim as she climbed through the air,

“Thank Goddess there’s only eight sabbats a year!”

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RITUAL BLOOPERS (by Lorelei)

We all know how embarrassing (or amusing) Ritual errors can be! Here are some Bloopers.

A friend has discovered that one should never never never use Brut in the brazier! Great flame, BAAAAAD smell!

The same friend made an error in the Ale department. Realizing nearly too late that there was no Ale in the house, he was sent for “Something cheap, and hurry!” The sender was thinking along the lines of a nice Boone’s Farm Strawberry or even a wine cooler. What did the “sendee” bring? Wild Irish Rose; the error discovered upon the first mouthful by the acting High Priestess. Me.

Woe to the Priestess who forgets a towel during a Wiccanning!

Ostara, the Spring Equinox, first day of Spring 1992… we got dumped a foot of snow. Talk about the Laughing Gods!

Gently should the Priestess sip of wine when she’s been fasting,
For when the Merry May We’s come, could be words everlasting!
Oh gently sip, dear Lady mine, for live this down you shall not,
And every time we worship, we shall eager wait for that spot:
“Do you think she’ll slip this time?” “She could… perhaps she may!”

So gently, gently sip, my love; you’ll not live down that day!

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Pagan Report Cards: Netiquette

A Wee spot of humour from Harper Meader and Lorelei Greenwood

I’m sure we’ve all violated nettiquette on some occasion or other (some of my goofs still haunt me), and many of us have landed too hard on someone for this or that. We’ve all got pet peeves (rampant misspellings, ALL CAPS, “me too” posts, off-topic, etc., and learning where the norm is can take some time. We need to remember that stepping out of the norm is hardly the end of the world.

What we need is a Pagan Report Card, complete with the sort of cute personal trait evaluations that the kids get from school:

__ Runs with athames

__ Chants well with others

__ Respects others’ beliefs

__ Raises hand often at esbats

__ Has independent opinions (now there’s a gimme!)

__ Shows proper respect for authority (there’s another fun one…)

__ Quotes entire original message in any reply

__ Corrects HP/S in the middle of Ritual

__ Mispronounces deity names

Also, don’t forget the little “addendum notes” we all loathe… I mean love.

(n) = needs a rebirthing session

(i) = intolerably fluffy-bunny

(pf) = pagan fundy